too weird to live, too rare to die

why do i only come back to this page when i'm expecting the worst? i've renewed my commitment to this blog because lets face it, who else can i talk to? friends and co-workers who couldn't begin to understand? sympathetic nods behind veils of judgement. hell, i'd judge. and family. oh family. a mom who hopes for the best and a dad who expects the worse. a teenage sister who doesn't understand why our love isn't enough. our fractured conversations don't leave the us 4-- immediacy only. the rest of the family just simply cannot know.

last week we thought my brother was dead. i had a mental picture of a cold body somewhere in my parent's condo. the car parked outside and a cell phone plugged in to the wall charging. all the while he's in there dead from an overdose or suicide. nobody had heard from him in days and thought that perhaps "this was it." he finally hit rock bottom.

lets back track. my brother has been living in florida for a few months now. he had a "job" (that turned out to be fake) and pawned off almost everything to his name (including things that weren't to his name). most recently, he was part of an elaborate robbery and credit card theft incident. though his level of participation is still in question, he's in a lot of trouble. stealing to buy drugs. no one is ever surprised.

my dad imposed a 4pm deadline to hear from my brother. no response by then and he was heading down to find out what was going on. for 3 hours i mourned the death of my brother. i cried like he was dead. in my gut, in my heart and in my head, maybe he had already been gone for longer.

at approximately 4:15, my brother surfaced with no regard to the phone calls, texts and voicemails. apparently he had been sleeping.

and so my personal battle today is this: should families shoulder the guilt for planning for death?

my brother is an addict. every single day he will wake up with a choice. he can chose to be clean or he can chose to use and be that much closer to the inevitable death that surrounds him. he's been lost for so long-- how can i not think about what it will be like when he dies?